The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
