Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
