I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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