Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
