I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You are the jesus of drinking
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
