Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
