True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
