jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
