I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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