I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
