there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
