This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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