Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We have started to decorate penises.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Randomize
