Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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