Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
