she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
