She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
