i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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