life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
