Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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