The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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