a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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