mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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