I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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