The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
