Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
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So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
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Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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