when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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