For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
