Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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