ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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