Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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