I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
