So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
