mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
