I just threw up on my dentist
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
