I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
