life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
