ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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