He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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