Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
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It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
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Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
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