Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
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And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
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You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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