my phone needs a breathalizer
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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