so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
