If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
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I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
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remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.