I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.