Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her