On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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