im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize