It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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