he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
