Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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