his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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