there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
