i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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