she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The uberlube is also flammable
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
