dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
