For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
